Fowler Skipping Opening Day To Attend Cubs Game


Dexter Fowler Missing Opening Day To Attend Cubs Game


Dexter Fowler has informed the team that he won’t be able to make it to Opening Day, because he already has family plans – he’ll instead be attending the Cubs opening day in Atlanta this year.


“I mean, I already bought the tickets,” said Fowler once we told him we were from a Chicago paper, “and the rest of my family is really looking forward to being in a real city.”


Dexter announced the news at his Cards FO dinner party, in which he served Uno’s pizza and Italian beef sandwiches from Portillo’s while instrumentals of the Blues Brothers famous “Sweet Home Chicago” played in the background. Reports say that Dexter actually left his own dinner party early to “hang out with the boys” and was later seen with Anthony Rizzo, Joe Maddon, and David Ross at a Karaoke bar drinking pop and singing “Go Cubs Go.”


The Cardinals Front Office, surprised by the news, say this only makes them more committed to Dexter. “Absolutely,” said Cardinals GM Michael Girsch, “All of Dexter’s actions and bad play are actually a reflection of us. We want to show him that he’s our guy and will continue to be our guy in RF. We really think he has a rebound year ahead of him. We see him as a .230 hitter if he’s playing every day. Well, every day when he isn’t off attending a Cubs game.”


“It’s a chance for my family to see what a winning franchise looks like, “Fowler explained, “I want them to see baseball how it’s really played. The Cardinals, St. Louis, that’s not where it’s at. This isn’t a team that wants to win. I mean, they actually say they are totally committed to a .180 hitting guy in their outfield who has all the range and hustle of a Galapagos Tortoise. Who would ever pay to watch that?


#TheCardinalSin #DevilMagicSatire by @StlCardsCards