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Volume 1 - 11/5/18


Barely conscious after paramedics extracted him from the crushing currency, DeWitt requested to be sent to a local walk-in clinic to keep his costs down.

Representatives of the St. Louis Cardinals organization say that he is recovering well thanks to a kidney transplant taken from a small child. DeWitt plans to file for hardship in order to pay his bills. St. Louis Mayor Lyda Krewson has pledged to divert tax payer funds from homeless shelters in order to repair the DeWitt mansion. When questioned if this was an appropriate move, she answered, “Well it’s not like they have any homes that need fixing.”

DeWitt’s lawyers have indicated that they are looking into a lawsuit against the United States treasury for making paper currency that is “obviously dangerously and recklessly heavy when bundled into $10 million dollar bails”

Cardinals’ President of Baseball Operation John Mozeliak was interviewed as saying that this wouldn’t alter the team’s plans to not pursue any top talent.

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DNA Test Reveals Cardinal Cowboy to be Less Than 1% Actual Cowboy

Well this is potentially embarrassing for the famous “Cardinal Cowboy.”

After years of speculation, the man known as the “Cardinal Cowboy,” Carter Rethwisch, decided to prove what his family had always told him to be true: That he had authentic Cowboy blood.

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One DNA test later, and Carter was vindicated – kind of. While the test did in fact show he had Cowboy blood, the actual fraction - 1/108 Cowboy - was a number no sane person would be proud of. This has led to speculation that Carter – who marked “Cowboy” under the heritage box of his college applications – has made a career on being a phony.

“I was shocked,” said Carter when he read the news, “At least I know I do have some in me. However small, it is a part of who I am.”

Who he really is, however, is someone entirely different. Cowboy Herds from all over the St. Louis area have declared that he isn’t Cowboy enough to poke around with their kind, and that he has never really led a true Cowboy lifestyle. Even his submitted recipe into a Cowboy Cookbook contained what he claimed was his famous “Buckaroo Beef,” now appears to actually be a recipe for a Lion’s Choice sandwich.

So who is Cardinal Cowboy really? His DNA test tells us that he’s actually 95% “Just another ordinary douche bag.” 

The Cowboy hasn’t given up on life yet though. While he may no longer be accepted as a Cowboy, his DNA test did reveal other avenues for making a living. “I’m thinking of running for the Senate.” He said after discovering he was also 1% Native American.

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Carson Kelly Tremendous Disappointment To His Parents

Could this be the year?

In years past, that question pertained to wondering if it was the year Carson Kelly would break through and become a star Major League catcher. Now the question for his family is if this is the year he’s going to grow up and forget this silly dream.

“He’s already 24. I mean, it’s time to move on.” Said one family member who wished to not be named, but was definitely his father. “Had he kept his job at Shoney’s, he could have been running his own restaurant by now.”

“It’s sad,” Carson’s mother told reporters, “You want all of your children to succeed and be happy, but come on. He hit .114 last year. Am I supposed to cheer him on after that? I have my pride. We always tell him we love him, but I have to admit, it’s sometimes hard to hold back screaming “YOU SUCK!” It would be so much easier to show our love had he just become a parking attendant somewhere.”

“Besides,” said his father who again requested anonymity, “We’re getting older and we want grandkids. We saw what happened to Yadier Molina last year. Is being a 3rd string catcher worth that?”

Hope is not lost for the Kelly family, as their younger son Parker is also in the Cardinals system. “Maybe Parker can succeed and be the star of the family,” said his mother, “Maybe this will be the year both children find success. I keep telling Carson that there is a help wanted sign at the hardware store down the street. God knows we just want him to find something he’s actually good at.”

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Cardinals Authentic's Auctioning Dugout Bench With Francisco Pena Butt Grooves


Own a piece of history. Cardinals Authentics has a unique item up for grabs right now that can be yours – but only if you’re the highest bidder.

The Cardinals 2018 dugout bench needs replacing, in no small part because of the wear and tear players like Francisco Pena put on it when they sat on the bench day in, and day out. Now that bench can be yours. Imagine placing your derriere in the very crease left by Francisco, worn in over time, as he left his biggest mark all season. His ass in your future bench.

The bench has been authenticated by experts at Major League baseball who compared it with a cast taken of Pena’s posterior. It’s also been studied closely by several ex-girlfriends whom have pledged their expertise with sworn assidavits. 

Perhaps the most cherished part of this is the small, faint marking seen just between the two cheek grooves. Legend has it the marking appeared as Pena’s teammate Yadier Molina lay in agony on the ground while Pena was told he was going to have to catch Jordan Hicks. Whether it’s true, or if the marking simply came after a bad burrito night, this is an opportunity you can’t let get behind you.

Act fast if you want this item. There’s no telling who will be 2019’s choice to get paid to sit and watch Yadi catch all year.

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