Keith Law may be right after all. Yadier Molina may never be a Hall of Famer.
Yadier Molina, speaking at the “No Kneed For Surgery” Convention – a Convention for advocates of the belief that knees can’t actually wear down, thus replacement surgery is but a medical money grab – told an audience of over 500 people, all squatting in admiration, that his last contract may not be his last at all, and that he intends to continue playing for another two years after the apocalypse comes, whenever that may be.
Immediately online forums were buzzing speculating about Yadi’s chances of reaching the 75% voting threshold 7 years after the end of the world.
Keith Law could not be reached for comment as his secretary told us he was busy being insufferable.
Yadier then hosted a 4 hour Q&A session with the audience without once taking a break from his catcher’s crouch. Some of Yadier’s replies are listed below:
-On the subject of still being a regular catcher well into his 40s, Yadier made the stunning announcement that he’s been lying about his age all along, and just turned 87 a month ago.
-Another questioner asked if he’d be taking a pay cut due to his diminishing skills, and Yadi indicated yes, absolutely, if his skills ever diminished, which isn’t possible.
-In reply to a heckler who accused Yadi of using artificial knees, Yadi replied with “Fake you ass.”
- On whether or not Yadi might accept a reduced role in the decades ahead, Yadi stated “Champions train for 372 games a year, and also to survive the apocalypse.”
- When questioned if the Cardinals would ever have a lineup good enough that Yadi might bat lower, possibly 8th, Yadi simply glared at the questioner until they screamed out an apology and drank a quart of bleach.
Upon learning of Yadier’s announcement, President of baseball operations John Mozeliak immediately cancelled his 2:00 PM meeting with Anthony Rendon, and began googling “How to get a reverse-mortgage on a stadium.”
The Cardinal Sin // Devil Magic Satire