The Cardinal Sin - DNA Test Reveals Cardinal Cowboy to be Less Than 1% Actual Cowboy

Updated: Nov 6, 2018

St. Louis - Well this is potentially embarrassing for the famous “Cardinal Cowboy.”


After years of speculation, the man known as the “Cardinal Cowboy,” Carter Rethwisch, decided to prove what his family had always told him to be true: That he had authentic Cowboy blood.


One DNA test later, and Carter was vindicated – kind of. While the test did in fact show he had Cowboy blood, the actual fraction - 1/108 Cowboy - was a number no sane person would be proud of. This has led to speculation that Carter – who marked “Cowboy” under the heritage box of his college applications – has made a career on being a phony.


“I was shocked,” said Carter when he read the news, “At least I know I do have some in me. However small, it is a part of who I am.”

Who he really is, however, is someone entirely different. Cowboy Herds from all over the St. Louis area have declared that he isn’t Cowboy enough to poke around with their kind, and that he has never really led a true Cowboy lifestyle. Even his submitted recipe into a Cowboy Cookbook contained what he claimed was his famous “Buckaroo Beef,” now appears to actually be a recipe for a Lion’s Choice sandwich.


So who is Cardinal Cowboy really? His DNA test tells us that he’s actually 95% “Just another ordinary douche bag.”


The Cowboy hasn’t given up on life yet though. While he may no longer be accepted as a Cowboy, his DNA test did reveal other avenues for making a living. “I’m thinking of running for the Senate.” He said after discovering he was also 1% Native American.


*editors note: this is satire. this is not real. just a quick recap of satire for those that are not familiar "The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices."*