THE CARDINAL SIN Breaks News: Goldy Deal is Done!
Hello folks, it’s official! Paul Goldschmidt is a Cardinal! I promise it’s true!
I have sources, the BEST sources. I’m hearing all sorts of chatter. Chatter abound! Big twitter accounts. Small twitter accounts. People are coming out of the woodwork to tell you that the deal is nearly done, all looking for their claim to fame.
POSERS. SCREW THEM.
I’m here to tell you the deal is done. Complete. It’s official. I swear.
And no, there is no extension. Like any other high priced marquee player that might be on the market in the next decade, Paul would be a fool to accept the Cardinals contract extension offer of a Subway Card promising the “10th Sub free!” with 3 hole checks already punched. All Paul really wanted was an opt out clause of his current deal that let him quit the Cardinals in mid-March that “if this looks like another middling, average team, Paul can choose to join a convent, or just cry in his mom’s basement for a few months.”
And no, I didn’t waste my time bothering to learn who the Cardinals are giving up in return. I’ll let the little boys at the P-D give those details. Maybe it’s Wong. Maybe it’s Hudson. Who cares? No one is going to gain fame or fortune mentioning that the D-Backs got Carson Kelly in return. The accolades all go to whoever broke the Goldy news, and that’s ME ME ME.
So now that Goldschmidt is an official Cardinal, there are a million things to discuss. Defense arrangements, lineups, what’s next for the Cards. There is a ton here to discuss. So let’s start with the most important issue of all:
How much you should worship me for breaking the news.
All of it. I should now be a twitter God. H/T The Cardinal Sin at every opportunity. This is my moment to shine. I TOLD you the deal was done, and half of you jackasses waited for someone “qualified” to announce it’s true. You damn fools. They are all quoting sources. I AM THE SOURCE. And I get no credit at all. It’s bullshit. Every single thing I have ever said has come true. Line up and give your apologies, for I am now an official Twitter God.