Updated: Dec 6, 2018
“Really, Very Happy To Get Goldy” Gyorko Tells Therapist
Notes believed to come from Jedd Gyorko’s therapist upon the news that Paul Goldschmidt has been traded to the Cardinals have revealed the Cardinals kinda sorta maybe not anymore third baseman’s opinion of the trade.
Below is the transcript of what Jedd is alleged to have said:
“No, really, I am really, very happy to get Goldy. It’s awesome. No, I’m totally into it. He’s great. Just what the team needs.”
“I keep seeing people excited that the defense will be better. OK, at FIRST BASE fine. I’ll give you first base. Goldy can play first. He’ll have a fun time scooping those 5 hoppers that fling out of Carpenter’s arm like a poorly molded Gumby animation.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Naw. Carp is great, he’s awesome. Awesome fielder. This team keeps talking about how much they value defense, so Carp must be a great fielder. They wouldn’t lie to us.”
“They tell me you can’t play second because Kolten’s glove is too good. And now you can’t play 3rd because Carp’s bat is too good. And they get all excited because they are left handed. You know, left handed people die sooner. That’s a fact. You know that don’t you?”
“You ever think maybe they’re just not that into me? Like, maybe there’s some team better out there for me? Some team that wants a power hitting third baseman with plus defensive statistics that actually can score from 3rd base on a single to the outfield?”
“No you’re right. I need to be happy with my 150 at bats this year.”
“Is it wrong to maybe wonder what might happen if a horse were to kick Carpenter? Like maybe I’d get playing time then?”
“No no, I’m not saying I would do that. I’m not saying I’d try to set him up for some sort of injury just to play. No way.”
“Say, sorry for the question out of nowhere but do you know if Tonya Harding lives nearby?”
“This is a good thing. No, it really is. Not many people get the thrill of being on a playoff team in their life. Not many people get to see others celebrate up close from a dugout bench.”
*sobbing* “I’m sorry, I can’t talk anymore. I’m fine, really. Missouri is an open carry state, right?”
It should be clear that these notes were not obtained by hacking into anyone’s computer, as this took place in West Virginia, the notes were scrawled with a piece of tree bark on the back side of a shovel left out in the yard of the therapist. When called for a comment the therapist said, “What the Hell is this contraption? I talk into what end?” before the phone abruptly hung up.