Cubs Look To Improve Image By Signing Man of the Year Nominee

Updated: Nov 16, 2018

After a rough stretch run that included the domestic violence suspension of Addison Russell, stumbling and insensitive statements by Anthony Rizzo and Joe Maddon, and a colossal team-wide collapse out of the playoffs that was capped by more insufferable whining, Theo Epstein knew his clubhouse had to change.


“We know we have to bring change to our clubhouse. We know that, for whatever reason, people are looking at us like we’re bad guys. We have to fix that, and now we have a great opportunity. Jose Reyes is the perfect answer.”


Jose Reyes, Man of the Year Nominee, seems to be an inspired fit for the Northsiders. Not only does Reyes bring a veteran presence, but his nomination for the Marvin Miller Man of the Year was based upon his reputation for having the “most respect based on his leadership on the field and in the community.”


Reyes has indeed left his mark on the community. For one, he refuses to pay child support for the offspring he had with another woman with whom he had an affair while still with his wife. No doubt this will teach the young child to stand on their own, and not become some rich trust fund baby. Reyes has assured that his secret daughter won’t be able to go running to daddy whenever she gets into any trouble, by simply not being a part of her life at all.


That’s not all Reyes has done to help women in his community? Has anyone come closer to helping women break through the glass ceiling than Reyes, who literally threw his wife into a glass sliding door?


That’s what makes this a match made in heaven for the Cubs. Reyes brings his sterling reputation into a clubhouse where he can still fit in with a team that obviously is ok with abusing women to the point of trading for Aroldis Chapman, and choosing to keep Addison Russell through his suspension.

But – knowing both players play the same position – Will there possibly be some drama over who gets playing time?


Epstein doesn’t seem to be worried about the possibility of a battle for starting shortstop. “No. Absolutely not. These are two kind, friendly, peace loving human beings, at least when they are around people strong enough to fight back. Besides, the beauty of this move is that I think it would be a great timeshare. When Russell completes his suspension, Reyes will be due for his next one.”


#TheCardinalSin

#DevilMagicSatire