Cards Front Office Working Harder Than Ever To Disappoint Fans

Updated: Nov 16, 2018

Now in his 3rd straight offseason following missing the playoffs, the job is getting even harder for John Mozeliak, but he’s not giving up, “We have a tough task ahead of us, but I’m confident we are going to get the job done.”


After spending the last two seasons going after the top stars in free agency and trade, only to end up with Mike Leake, Brett Cecil, Dexter Fowler, and Marcell Ozuna, you’d think Cardinals fans would have totally caught on that their dreams of a superstar just aren’t going to happen.


“I don’t know what else I can do to get that point across,” said Mozeliak, “I mean we didn’t even pick up Donaldson for virtually nothing at the trading deadline, and now people think we’re somehow going to give him an expensive multi-year deal AND sign someone more expensive.”


Still the rumors of a Bryce Harper deal keep circulating amongst Cardinals fans. Countless articles, blogs, podcasts, and social media posts are envisioning seeing him in Cardinal red. Is there a chance that will happen?


“We’re giving it our all to come up with the kind of contract that will no doubt entice Bryce Harper to look elsewhere” said Cardinals GM Michael Girsch. “We always have our goal to not so much end up in first, but rather give out the ‘second wild card’ of contract offers.”


“The goal,” states Bill DeWitt, “is always to win. And I’d say when you have 3,000,000 people coming out to watch Matt Adams be our big deadline deal, and applaud us for it, well that’s called winning.”


“We’re well aware that anyone good is going to get a contract above our puke point,” emphasized Mozeliak, “but as long as we can keep offering a bunch of money – but not enough money to ever actually pay it – the media will defend us that the fans will keep coming.”


“I look forward to offering those huge contracts that no one is ever going to sign.”


#TheCardinalSin

#DevilMagicSatire