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Free Wong

Nov 10, 2020
4 min

Free Wong

The Cardinals waited.....and waited....and waited some more. Nothing. Then something. After the Cardinals finally unburdened themselves of the ruggedly handsome managerial deficiency that is Mike Matheny, something Wong-related finally happened. He popped off. He thrived. Given an opportunity by not-Matheny to play every day without having to look high over his shoulder for anyone looking to displace him, Wong spent 2019 playing like the guy he was always expected to be. He w

Einstein Baseball

May 8, 2020
1 min

Einstein Baseball

You've got free time. I've got free time. In my free time I've adapted something attributed to Einstein into a brain teaser that could consume several minutes (or hours) of your free time. You're welcome. Five houses painted five different colors stand in a row. One player lives in each house. The five players all drink some type of beverage, drive a certain type of car, and have a certain pet. None of the players drink the same beverage, drive the same type of car, or

Why Do You Care About Cooperstown?

Jan 9, 2020
5 min

Why Do You Care About Cooperstown?

Seriously. Do you have some vested interest in the players that may or may not join an exclusive club of elite and semi-elite baseball people? Perhaps you really like the town (or village, hamlet maybe?). Maybe you are big into overpriced museums in the middle of nowhere. Have you actually visited Cooperstown. If not, then please understand that getting there is the logistical equivalent of attempting to summit Everest without sherpas. It's a minimum 51-day investment of

Rob Manfred Hates Puppies

Dec 13, 2019
2 min

Rob Manfred Hates Puppies

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred probably despises kittens, rainbows, and helping old ladies across the street. He just seems like the kind of guy who vehemently opposes anything the rest of us consider beautiful in this world. He wants everybody off of his lawn and his neighbor's lawn as well. The opposite of love is not hate - it's Rob Manfred. Want to ruin the game so many love and cherish? He's the guy. He's the guy who leaves the toilet seat up even though he hasn't act

$324M Buys A Lot Of Nearly Anything

Dec 11, 2019
2 min

$324M Buys A Lot Of Nearly Anything

The moment news broke about Gerrit Cole's 9 year / $324M deal with the Yankees, I began trying to put into perspective a number that's well over 324,000,000 times what I'll earn in a lifetime as a blogger. The experience was like attempting to fully appreciate the amount of time it would take Yadier Molina to run to the moon. Unfathomable. Finding a useful point of reference was challenging, but I spent at least 5 minutes trying. Consider the "Cole" a standard unit of measu

The Cardinals Sorta Spend To Win - Welcome to my TED Talk

Dec 10, 2019
3 min

The Cardinals Sorta Spend To Win - Welcome to my TED Talk

The Cardinals started 2019 with a top ten Opening Day payroll and subsequently dedicated an immense amount of time to proclaiming that fact across the land. Their claim is supported by incontrovertible evidence available on the Google, so this isn't about the veracity of said claim. In fairness, they fell just short of the 8th place Astros for 8th place (a team that may or may not have spent the difference on metallic containers). The Cardinals spent money. They constantl

Offseason Threeways

Nov 15, 2019
2 min

Offseason Threeways

Baseball Twitter during the early offseason is like a threeway with way too much eye contact - awkward, but you still have to get through it. The dented trash cans from the Astros' dugout haven't even been replaced yet, and there's already far too much talk of Mookie Betts becoming a Cardinal, Anthony Rendon becoming a Cardinal, and Yadier Molina remaining an active Cardinal in perpetuity. Only one of these things sounds truly appealing, and it's not Rendon or Molina. That

St. Louis Cardinals Post-Mortem 2019

Oct 16, 2019
6 min

St. Louis Cardinals Post-Mortem 2019

If you solely concentrate on the stained glass of the Cardinal, it looks like it could be in a church somewhere. It would be fitting for the picture atop this article to be from a church as we will be discussing the St. Louis Cardinals just a couple dozen hours after their 2019 season dying a terrible death at the hands of the Washington Nationals. If you take in the entire picture, bar top and all, taken on the main drag of a small town (Abingdon) in the southwest corner of

Delete "At Bat"

Oct 16, 2019
4 min

Delete "At Bat"

It’s a tradition unlike any other. Once the Cardinals have played their final game, I delete the At-Bat app from my phone. As with most years, there is more baseball to be played. I’ll watch with an odd emotional detachment typically reserved for discussions about the possibility of life on Mars. I can’t be bothered to really care. I’ll still monitor events from afar, but the remaining focus will shift to rooting against Team Walgreens and the Yankees..and the Astros. Basical

A Brief History of Attendance at Braves Home Games Inspired by Some Guy Named Zach Klein

Oct 7, 2019
4 min

A Brief History of Attendance at Braves Home Games Inspired by Some Guy Named Zach Klein

"Only fight the battles you can win, idiot." -Sun Tzu in "The Art of fWAR" (unpublished probably) Now, I would normally ignore someone playing to the crowd a bit, but this was "General Hux's speech to the First Order troops that looked an awful lot like a Nazi rally" level pandering. It wasn't really, but I so wanted to use the "General Hux" line, because geek. It wasn't nearly that bad, but it was laughably absurd when you contemplate such a hefty stone being cast so poorly

Cardinals-Braves Series Predictions No One Needs

Oct 3, 2019
2 min

Cardinals-Braves Series Predictions No One Needs

Predictions that you didn't know you needed from an source you really can't trust... At no point will the National Anthem be performed by Ludacris, but it should be, because they probably won’t get Outkast. Either would be “lit af” as the kids say these days. At least one postgame interview involving Paul Goldschmidt will have all the energy of a Billy Eilish acoustic performance. That’s what we’ve come to know and expect from the guy who makes vanilla exciting. A dozen or mo

F#!k Cancer

Sep 7, 2019
3 min

F#!k Cancer

In case you were wondering about my initial response to the news of Chris Duncan's passing, there you go. Just don't think that reaction is limited to the passing of professional sportsball players or famous people in general. It's the exact same thing I think every time I hear of someone being diagnosed with cancer, undergoing cancer treatments, or dying as the result of complications due to cancer. The Chris Duncan news does not impact me any more or less than the same ne

Jul 24, 2019
2 min

All Hail Our Lord And Savior Matt Wieters

Since taking over the starting catching duties from an injured Yadier Molina, Matt Wieters has slashed a completely unsustainable .256/.348/.563. That 12-game span undeniably represents a ludicrously small sample size, but it’s far better than anyone should expect from a backup catcher sitting 2nd on the depth chart behind Molina. Innings are hard to come by, and there is usually just enough time for a cup of coffee and a passed ball before Molina miraculously heals from what

The Rough Drafts

Jul 11, 2019
3 min

The Rough Drafts

For every time I hit the "Publish" button, there are a half-dozen unfinished drafts and discarded ideas. Most of what hits the cutting room floor either simply isn't good enough to meet even my relatively low standards or requires immense effort to make palatable. Instead of tossing away these drafts like a Tyler Greene baseball card, here are some excerpts of the best of the worst that almost made the cut. YEAH BUT The good news: The Cardinals reached the All-Star break j

Face of the Franchise

Jun 19, 2019
2 min

Face of the Franchise

Paul DeJong will be the face of the St. Louis Cardinals by 2021. Change my mind. He's currently on a team with the organization's most iconic catcher, one of its most beloved pitchers ever, and one of the best hitters in baseball for the past 7+ years. Molina and Wainwright are established leaders and recognizable figures tightly associated with the Cardinals. Paul Goldschmidt has been a superstar for many years (and hopefully for several more). I do not think those things

UCB Roundtable: Mo(re) wins, or Mo (re) problems?

Oct 19, 2018
10 min

UCB Roundtable: Mo(re) wins, or Mo (re) problems?

Each fall, a collection of Cardinal Nation's finest internet content creators pool our opinions on a variety of subjects in roundtable fashion. This year, I hit leadoff. I'll let you decide what the result of the PA. Without further ado... let the offseason United Cardinals Bloggers Roundtable begin! Hi, all! Let’s jump right in. When the Cardinals sign Bryce Harper, how many jerseys will sell in the first week? I’m kidding... kind of. ;) But the “Cardinals Look For Big Bat”

Dirty Thirty-Five: Yadier Molina

Sep 24, 2018
8 min

Dirty Thirty-Five: Yadier Molina

***As part of "#YadiWeek" here at Birds On The Black, I'm going to try my hardest to give you a pre-2004 write up of the one and only Yadier Molina. This is a view of the prospect. A picture of the last moment that Yadi wasn't a Cardinals' 25-man staple. Since my brain is basically mush, it should be easy for me to take the time machine back to January 2004 and pretend like the last 15 years of Major League baseball didn't happen. Let's have some fun!!! The last thing is, Yad