Cardinals-Braves Series Predictions No One Needs

Predictions that you didn't know you needed from an source you really can't trust...


At no point will the National Anthem be performed by Ludacris, but it should be, because they probably won’t get Outkast. Either would be “lit af” as the kids say these days.


At least one postgame interview involving Paul Goldschmidt will have all the energy of a Billy Eilish acoustic performance. That’s what we’ve come to know and expect from the guy who makes vanilla exciting.


A dozen or more references will be made to how Adam Wainwright was a 1st round pick for the Braves back in 2000, and how he was stolen away as part of the modern Louisiana Purchase. The reality is that he was just ballast or a throw-in as part of the Ray King for Eli Marrero deal. (JD Drew's name is taboo like "Voldemort", so we don't mention him, because that would allow the death eaters or snatchers to find us.)


There will be no mention of Suntrust Park as the unwelcome economic assault on taxpayers that it really is. It’s all about the aesthetically pleasing venue, expansive parking, and guest experience. Just dispense with the notion that Cobb County residents are on the hook for a $400M bill for the build. Feel free to ignore the tax increases and shady backroom deals required to make Suntrust a reality in the first place. The important thing here is that yet another professional sports team leveraged its way into sweetheart deal that enriches ownership at the cost of everyone else (sound familiar?).


The Braves still won’t be selling “Infield Fries”, but that would be a cool nod to the infamous infield fly rule call from the 2012 “postseason but not really the playoffs” wild card game. If only Pete Kozma hadn’t been Pete Kozma, that play may not have happened.


Regardless of the series outcome, I want the winner to win it all. I actually grew up watching the Braves on TBS at a time when cable was limited to 40 channels, and the only way to get a baseball fix when the Cardinals weren’t playing was to watch TBS or WGN. I’ve been following the Braves since before Steve Avery was propping up a pitching staff of no-name’s like Maddux, Glavine, and Smoltz. I have a very slight affinity for the Braves and their fans, and they also have my sympathy for the Al Hrabosky years.


That said, I believe the Cardinals can do this. No, they don’t have the raw talent of the Braves, and they aren’t as exciting, and maybe they don’t win enough, or perhaps they don’t have the bullpen or starting pitching or enough offense….wait, sorry. I’m still talking about the Cubs.


The best way to explain my belief is to paraphrase what the great philosopher Desiigner expressed so eloquently in his monumental work “Panda” – “I got Wong in Atlanta”.


Cardinals in 2.


-#dennis