Last week we learned something we probably should have known all along: Yadier Molina can see the future.
For those that missed it, Yadier Molina correctly predicted a Dexter Fowler home run. Dexter Fowler has hit 119 home runs in his career. The universe is estimated to be 13.772 billion years old. That means that a Dexter Fowler home run only comes along approximately every 116 MILLION years, and yet Yadi was able to correctly predict one down to the SECOND. Clearly the man is clairvoyant.
It explains almost everything. How did he hit that home run in the 2006 NLCS? How does he block nearly every pitch? How does he react so quickly to a runner trying to seal? Simple. Just as jealous fans have been telling us for decades, the man is a cheater. He simply looks into the future.
This revelation sent me searching for more answers. What else has Yadi predicted? What else has been right in front of our face, and we never knew it?
After a little exploring, we at the Cardinal Sin found our answer. Yadi predicted the Matt Carpenter extension.
In fact, we here at the Cardinal sin have pinpointed the exact moment when Yadi knew, it was going to happen:
You can see Yadi here, inconsolable, clearly distraught about something. We weren’t able to pick up much audio other than screaming, but the tapes clearly revealed the words “But he already has an option! Just pick up the option!”
After this, we noticed Yadi going through the 5 stages of grief.
Yadier knows how to do denial. Here he is clearly ready to drink himself into oblivion. Transcripts of the day included sayings like “We all know I’ll be fine when I’m 37! I’m sure he’ll still be able to hit, too!” and “What do I care, I have my cash!” and finally, “If I’m going to play until I’m 50, surely Carp won’t fall to pieces in his early 30s!”
Here we see Yadier very angry after hitting a single. That made us wonder, what could he be so angry about? We hired the world’s greatest lip readers who clearly made out that Yadi screamed “THAT M----- F----- IS GOING TO END UP BATTING BEHIND ME. HOW IN THE F--- AM I EVER GOING TO SCORE WHEN THE PIECE OF D----- S--- GROUNDS OUT INTO THE SHIFT.”
Here we find Yadi giving God his signature smile in a pleading way to not make it true. “Pleaaaaaaase God? Can’t we sign Brandon Phillips instead? Maybe he gets the extension and you have me traded to the Orioles or something? OK, how about instead of 5 years, I give my right nut to a Hicks fastball, and you make it only 2 years?” Oh, originally the Carp extension was for 5 years. Yadi knows how to swing a deal.
Soon we find Yadi has slipped into a deep depression. The audio recordings we were able to find contained phrases like “Haven’t felt this bad since the Matheny extension,” and “Maybe if I rip my thumb off, I won’t have to play anymore.”
Here’s Yadi the moment he passed through the depression, and just accepted that crap happens. “It will be fine. Nothing I can do about it. Carpenter will be gone in a few years, and I’ll still be around for a long time after that so long as I prepare for 174 games in a season.”
Oh, Yadi clearly knows that the baseball season will soon be 174 games. Poor Anthony Rizzo.
"The Cardinal Sin: Devil Magic Satire"