Among years of criticism for false news, wrong predictions, and ridiculous statements, Bob Nightengale finally has someone coming to his defense.
“No no no, he’s not just a click bait bastard,” says Dr. Richard Sparrow, who treated Bob from the ages of 9-17, “it’s just that his head is too dim to process any rational thought.”
As Dr. Sparrow then explained, every time the brain has a thought, it’s the result of neurons all lighting up in the head, finding each other, and coming together to produce an organized conclusion that makes up everything we think. The problem is that Bob’s simply don’t work, causing random neurons to fly into each other creating sentences seemingly with no brain power at all.
Dr. Sparrow produced a tape of a then 17 year old Bob Nightengale undergoing testing. Some of what happens I’ll outline below:
Dr. Sparrow held up a frog and asked Nightengale to identify what was in his hand:
“Reggie Jackson to try out pitching with the Montreal Expos! You can count on that!”
Dr. Sparrow then offered him a cookie:
“Willie Mays touched my dog with a cue stick!”
Dr. Sparrow then asked him to spell his name:
“THERE IS A CARAVAN OF IMMIGRANTS COMING TO TAKE OUR JOBS!”
When asked how severe Bob’s condition is, Dr. Sparrow answered “It’s like Korea up there...the Northern one”
“The good thing for everyone is that we caught it early enough that we were able to direct him on the only path someone with this affliction could still find success in life with. He’s a member of the media.”