Own a piece of history. Cardinals Authentics has a unique item up for grabs right now that can be yours – but only if you’re the highest bidder.
The Cardinals 2018 dugout bench needs replacing, in no small part because of the wear and tear players like Francisco Pena put on it when they sat on the bench day in, and day out. Now that bench can be yours. Imagine placing your derriere in the very crease left by Francisco, worn in over time, as he left his biggest mark all season. His ass in your future bench.
The bench has been authenticated by experts at Major League baseball who compared it with a cast taken of Pena’s posterior. It’s also been studied closely by several ex-girlfriends whom have pledged their expertise with sworn assidavits.
Perhaps the most cherished part of this is the small, faint marking seen just between the two cheek grooves. Legend has it the marking appeared as Pena’s teammate Yadier Molina lay in agony on the ground while Pena was told he was going to have to catch Jordan Hicks. Whether it’s true, or if the marking simply came after a bad burrito night, this is an opportunity you can’t let get behind you.
Act fast if you want this item. There’s no telling who will be 2019’s choice to get paid to sit and watch Yadi catch all year.
*editors note: this is satire. this is not real. just a quick recap of satire for those that are not familiar "The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices."*