Updated: Nov 6, 2018
St. Louis – Cardinals’ Chairman Bill DeWitt Jr. has been rushed to a hospital after he was found nearly crushed to death under a giant pile of money.
DeWitt’s butler’s assistant Helmsmith Beauregard discovered him when, in his words, “I thought it was weird he hadn’t asked for another pile of money to count, so I went to check on him.”
Investigators believe that DeWitt was counting a tremendous stack of money, when the ceiling collapsed above him, and resulted in the riches from the room above trapping him nearly immediately.
Bill DeWitt III told reporters he was devastated. “We forgot that room existed,” he said, “You people just don’t understand how hard it is to keep up with all of this money.”
Barely conscious after paramedics extracted him from the crushing currency, DeWitt requested to be sent to a local walk-in clinic to keep his costs down.
Representatives of the St. Louis Cardinals organization say that he is recovering well thanks to a kidney transplant taken from a small child. DeWitt plans to file for hardship in order to pay his bills. St. Louis Mayor Lyda Krewson has pledged to divert tax payer funds from homeless shelters in order to repair the DeWitt mansion. When questioned if this was an appropriate move, she answered, “Well it’s not like they have any homes that need fixing.”
DeWitt’s lawyers have indicated that they are looking into a lawsuit against the United States treasury for making paper currency that is “obviously dangerously and recklessly heavy when bundled into $10 million dollar bails”
Cardinals’ President of Baseball Operation John Mozeliak was interviewed as saying that this wouldn’t alter the team’s plans to not pursue any top talent.
*editors note: this is satire. this is not real. just a quick recap of satire for those that are not familiar "The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices."*