If you are one of the 175,000,000 people on the mailing list, you receive regular emails from the St. Louis Cardinals Communications department. The emails cover topics like player transactions, injury updates, upcoming homestand highlights, and most importantly - the promotions schedule. Just in case you aren't on that mailing list, here is a glimpse at what one of those promotions emails contains with a smidge of artistic license to protect the innocent.
Mike Leake Tshirt Night (Macy's)
Thursday, June 3 vs. Cincinnati Reds, 7:15 pm
5998 fans, ages 12 and older will get an adult-sized tshirt with the lyrics to the song "Price Tag" on the back courtesy of Macy's.
Shildt The Bed (Mattress Firm)
Friday, June 4 vs. Cincinnati Reds, 7:15 pm
10,000 fans, ages 16 and older
Come see the Cardinals take on the Cincinnati Reds for the 400,000th game in the 275 year history of the Reds. Fans ages 16 and older will receive their very own inflatable camping mattress with Mike Shildt's likeness in full 4K technicolor.
Adult Mystery Player Road Sunday Alternate Camo Authentic Blue Jersey
Tuesday, June 8 vs. Cleveland Indians, 7:15 pm
10,000 fans entering with a ticket, proof of ownership of an Oak Ridge Boys cd, and American flag underwear
Be prepared to be pandered to by this one-of-a-kind jersey that appeals to both your sense of patriotism and your desire to eat roadkill with Bear Grylls.
Cultural Appropriation Token Reparation Amorphous Generic Blob Mascot Bobblehead
Wednesday, June 9 vs. Cleveland Indians, 7:15 pm
10,000 fans entering with a ticket will go home with this completely generic, non-offensive bobblehead commemorating the Cleveland baseball team's decision to distance itself from decades of Native American cultural appropriation.
GOAT Day (MO Farmers Care)
Sunday, June 27 vs. Pittsburgh Pirates, 1:15 pm
All kids, ages 15 and under entering with a ticket
Missouri Farmers Care is providing each kid who attends the game will receive a pair of jorts with Yadi's name printed across the back.
Driver Education Night (AAA Insurance)
Friday, July 16 vs. San Francisco Giants, 7:15 pm
30,000 fans, ages 21 and older
On Friday, July 16, you can add to your collection with this special, one-of-a-kind die-cast replica SUV with a figurine that appears to be asleep at the wheel.
Adult Mystery Alumni Nickname Jersey (Maryville University)
Friday, July 30 vs. Minnesota Twins, 7:15 pm
30,000 fans, ages 22 and older
On Friday, July 30th, we celebrate the players with the nicknames worthy of a red jacket and membership in the Cardinals Hall of Fame. 30,000 fans, ages 22 and older will receive a really flimsy jersey made of material of questionable origin with a randomly selected player nickname on the back. Here is a list of just some of the possibilities:
Tyler O'Neill - Prince Sex
Adron Chambers - The Small Adron Collider
Matt "Did You Know That I Went To Slippery Rock Because It Doesn't Get Mentioned Every Single Broadcast" Adams
Pete Kozma - The Wizard of Koz
Ted "Why TF Did It Take So Long For Me To Get Into Cooperstown" Simmons
Bob "Take A Few Inches Off The Top" Gibson
"Future Hall of Famer" Bo Hart
Cardinals 1985 WS Champions Shot Glasses (1-800-CONTACTS)
Friday, August 6 vs. Kansas City Royals, 7:15 pm
1,985 fans, ages 36 and older
1,985 fans will take home a 40-ounce shot glass courtesy of The Don Denkinger Fan Club of Kansas City and 1-800-CONTACTS.
Mike Matheny Miniature Pulpit Sculpture (The BFIB Club)
Saturday, August 7 vs. Kansas City Royals, 6:15 pm
30,000 fans, ages 16 and older
On Saturday, August 7, 30,000 fans ages 16 and older will take home an extremely handsome sculpture of a pulpit with Mike Matheny standing behind it. This fantastic giveaway is being sponsored by the deity of your choice or none at all depending on where you stand on the whole god thing.
Cardinals Build-A-Beer Workshop (Schafly Beer)
Sunday, August 22 vs. Pittsburgh Pirates, 1:15 pm
69 adults 21 and older entering with a ticket and designated driver
On Sunday, August 22, 69 lucky adults of legal drinking age will ignore the entire game in favor of mixing and matching their very own flights of beer. Their final selections will then be made available for purchase - pick your favorite flight and don't forget to use the stupid hashtag #stlfly as your discount code for exactly 0% off the cost of your next Uber ride.
Directional Tramp Stamp (Just Missouri)
Monday, September 6 vs. Los Angeles Dodgers, 1:15 pm
100 fans, ages 18 and older entering with a ticket and ready to embrace poor life decisions
Join us on Monday, September 6, when the Cardinals take on the Dodgers. This day 100 lucky fans will have the opportunity to get a "This End Up" tramp stamp from renowned tattoo artist Rawley Squirl.
Nolan Arenado Oversized Backpack (Osprey)
Sunday, September 19 vs. San Diego Padres, 1:15 pm
39 players not named "Arenado" on the 40-man roster
Osprey wants to gear you up with a reminder that you'll only go as far as Arenado can carry you.
That's it. That's a peek behind the curtain of new releases. If you are interested in receiving these emails click the link here. No credit card required.
-@gr33nazn
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