We won’t get beat again.
You see, we started this new site called BirdsOnTheBlack.com. We were the Cardinals guys. We were ready to jump in and LEAD the conversation about anything that ever popped up with the Cardinals. We were pumped. We were energized. We were ready.
Then the Cardinals signed someone named (hold on, I have to look it up) Miles Mikolas. And we, who profess to follow this stuff day in and day out, had no freaking clue who the Cardinals just gave $15 million dollars to.
All of the other sites were ON IT. Mostly everyone flooded the interwebs with hawt takes that were grabbing passages from a Fangraphs article, along with telling us that this guy’s nickname is “The Lizard King.”
“Well,” I thought, “I’m going to have to look into that as soon as I’m done pooping.”
But, alas, Brenden Schaeffer scooped us all with a video of Mikolas eating a lizard. Which was key evidence that, no matter how he pitches, the guy is a lunatic. Frankly, he freaks me out. But, congratulations, Brenden. You beat us. If you ever have your own website, I’d be honored to join.
So yeah, when it came to rushing a Mikolas article, you all win. In fact, there still isn’t a single thing about Miles on this page. That’s just how serious we are about providing up to date coverage on all Cardinals news.
I’m committed to never letting this happen again.
And that’s why I’m writing the Internet’s VERY FIRST Post-Giancarlo Stanton trade reaction article. That’s right, I’m so on the ball that I’m doing it BEFORE he’s been traded. This is integrity at its finest.
Now, I have to admit a very simple fact. I have no idea where Stanton is going. Therefore if you’re reading this, and Stanton has been traded to the Cardinals, please read all of the regular font. If Stanton isn’t a Cardinal, please read the italicized font:
Giancarlo Stanton is the newest member of the St. Louis Cardinals! Giancarlo Stanton is possibly the Antichrist.
Our wildest dreams have come true! This is worse than that nightmare about your Uncle Phil that you sometimes question if it’s actually just a memory you’re blocking out.
Even while the rumors were swirling that the Cardinals were long shots that would never land him, you could just feel something in the air that told you Stanton was going to be wearing the birds on the bat. Obviously we never stood a chance, and you have to question why we let ourselves get dicked around like this when we should know better.
Mo, you glorious son-of-a-bitch, you’ve done it again! In Mo we trust! This is why you prove again and again to be the best in the game.
That son of a bitch Mo has been driving us into the ground for years now. It’s obvious that Lunhow was always the genius behind the curtain.
Now that I see who the Cardinals gave up, let me say that it’s a small price to pay for Stanton. Chances are none of them will even develop into MLB regulars. Oh my God, Mozeliak was selling the entire farm. What was he thinking? Thank God we didn’t lose those sure-fire prospects.
Let’s not forget that this shows once again, players really do like and respect Mike Matheny. He certainly didn’t stop the biggest name on the market from saying yes to being a Cardinal. But we still have to ask ourselves, is Stanton a Cardinal if that idiot Matheny isn’t in the dugout? The whispers continue about how no one wants to play for this pawn of a manager.
Stanton is going to be a fixture in the middle of the Cardinals lineup for years to come. I suppose I should be thankful. The douche would have probably opted out.
This is great news. Stanton is easily the best player on the market. This is actually great news. Stanton is going to be a major bust anyway.
The Cardinals are going to be a better team with Giancarlo Stanton. The Cardinals are better off without stupid Giancarlo Stanton.
The man is going to be a source of power like we haven’t seen in years. Stanton has already peaked, and he gets injured at the drop of a hat.
He’s going to bash balls left and right. I’ll enjoy watching his strikeout totals soar.
He’s going to be feared by opponents and absolutely worshiped by Cardinals fans. He’d have never fit in here anyway. We don’t want some juiced up slugger. Give me grinding hustlers.
To watch Stanton slowly jog around the bases in Cardinal red, I’d happily play him at SS. Stanton doesn’t have speed or defense, which is what the Cardinals should really focus on anyway.
If you ask me, the best is yet to come. If you ask me, he’s an overrated fart-stick.
It’s going to be amazing watching him in a Cardinals uniform on opening day. The Cardinals franchise is too good for Stanton. Thank God he won’t be soiling our beautiful uniforms.
Please, spare me any concerns about paying his contract. The Cardinals have plenty of money. In reality his mega contract would have handcuffed the Cardinals for the next decade.
I know his contract takes him to the downside of his career, but the man is so strong, even a diminished Stanton will be fun to see. It will be a pleasure watching old man Stanton collecting checks and popping out to 2B.
And all of you people that were worried that St. Louis wasn’t a destination city anymore, don’t you feel stupid now? Like 2 off years were going to erase the previous 15 from memory? St. Louis is still a dream spot for any baseball player, and this proves they know it.
Well, this proves players don’t want to be in St. Louis anymore. No one wants to play in a dying city for a cheap franchise on the decline. This team is in for dark, dark days.
And obviously, like all cities, St. Louis has some beautiful places to live. Gee, maybe Giancarlo Stanton didn’t want to live in the remnants of a burned down CVS. Who’d have thunk it?
To those fans of other teams, please don’t use this as a chance to disrespect a human being for making the life decision he felt was best for him. I’m calling him Mike Stanton from now on. He clearly doesn’t care about what I want, so I’m not caring about what he wants. I hope it pisses him off.
For Stanton, the Cardinals are clearly the most attractive option he has right now. Any fan that boos a player simply because they wanted to play for another team should feel ashamed of themselves. Hey, Mike. BOOOOOO. Join me people, BOOOOO. He didn’t just agree to go to another team. He insulted you. He insulted me. He insulted our city. He deserves it. He turned down the better team. He should feel ashamed of himself. I shall boo him mercilessly every time I see his dumb face.
Just thinking of his smile in a Cardinals hat has me ready for baseball to start right now! HIS DUMB DUMB FACE.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve already ordered my new Stanton shirsey! I don’t know about you, but I’ve already ingested a liter of bleach.
I love you Giancarlo Stanton! You go to Hell Mike Stanton. You go to Hell and you die.