The Cardinals as Arby's Menu Items


Life is meaningless and the only way to live is by embracing the abyss


That, and I hate writing. However, I’ve got to try and write about something if I’m going to dive back into the Dirty Thirty-Five.


Arby’s is classic in the same way that Tino Martinez’s tenure with the Cardinals was classic. It’s a product that exists solely to get us through the darkest of days and remind us of how bad things can really be.


So, here’s some of the current Cardinals players and what they’d be if they were an Arby’s menu item.


Because fuck it, that’s why.


Yadier Molina: Classic Beef 'N Cheddar

This one is the easiest. It’s the icon on the menu/roster. It’s the pinnacle of excellence and despair. Do you think that you’ve made it to the end of the miserable journey that is life? Well, you haven’t. There’s no time to celebrate your accomplishments when there are still at least three more years of yearly contract negotiations ahead of you.

Embrace the glory of a marvelous career. Embrace the glory of orange, liquid diarrhea-slathered beef.



Adam Wainwright: Classic Roast Beef

The second most iconic menu/roster item, but with less stomach irritant. You can match it with anything, and it cost less. Sure, both have missed some time over their careers; Waino with arm and Achilles issues and the Classic Beef with what was surely some type of E Coli. But they both continue to be sold and tasty well beyond their shelf life.

These two might not be the best thing on the menu, but they are both reliable in a way that nothing else on the menu could possibly be.


Paul Goldschmidt: Arby’s Sauce

Arby’s sauce saves the menu when the meat has gone bad (which happens frequently), just like Goldy has done for the last two season for the Cardinals offense. Also, it’s kinda boring and pointless when everything else around it is terrible. Goldy’s production has literally been like cracking open a sauce packet without having anything to put it on.

Arby’s sauce packets are also durable. Drifters and hookers use it for varying forms of warmth and lubrication 365 days out of the year. That’s Paul Goldschmidt.



Nolan Arenado: Greek Gyro

A relatively new menu mainstay, the Greek Gyro is hope to a menu in chaos. Sure, you could go beef gyro or whateverthehell the other flavor of gyro is, but you stick with the traditional greek deliciousness of lamb and beef (defense and slugging). Sure, Arby’s might be using rat meat instead of real lamb, but Arenado probably isn’t going to be the bat that Scott Rolen was, either.

They can’t all be winners all of the time.

Anyway, it’s a flavor that the menu hasn’t had in a very long time and I’m grateful for the work that it does to both my emotions and my bowel movements (excitement for the season).



Matt Carpenter: French Dip 'N Swiss

Anything that uses an apostrophe followed by one singular, independent letter is complete bullshit, just like the last couple of years of Matt Carpenter’s production. It’s over-priced and skinnier than it needs to be. Both have been around forever and have only gotten more disappointing and flavorless with age. As compared to the rest, they both move slowly. One around the basepaths and the other through your system.

The abyss consumes thee.



Harrison Bader: Orange Cream Shake

Ignoring the basic similarities in color, both of these items are good for a limited time. Both are heroes on the defensive side, as the orange cream shake creates a perfectly lubricated foundation through your colon for the disappointing food to travel. It slides and dives through your intestines with the same grace and speed as Bader demonstrates in center. Also like Bader with sliders, it’s a big swing and a miss when it comes to satiating your appetite.

Ultimately disappointing as compared to the hype, both are just “fine.”


Tyler O’Neill: Sex

Tyler O’Neill is the sex that the drifter and the hooker have in the women’s bathroom, jettisoning from the sink to the toilet, and eventually ending on the changing station all while the janitor watches.


Jordan Hicks: Curly Fries


They’re both really fucking good. What more do you need?



Giovanni Gallegos: Potato Cakes

Same kinda thing as Hicks and the curly fries, just not as much. Look, not all of these are going to be shitty.



Austin Dean: Anything on the Market Fresh Menu

Honestly, what in the hell is the Market Fresh menu and why is it on the Cardinals roster? There is literally no place for either on their respective roster or menu. Stop trying to make something out of nothing. We don’t go to Arby’s for hope, we go to Arby’s for despair and pain.

EMBRACE THE GREASE. EMBRACE GOOD PLAYERS. LET EVERYONE ELSE WALK. EAT ARBY’S.



Alex Reyes: Smokehouse Brisket

Is this sandwich good? Does it even sound good? What is it even capable of? Has anyone ever ordered it and got it exactly as advertised? How much of the brisket is as lean as it was last year but everyone thinks has gotten even leaner? Will it be on the menu tomorrow?

Both are all potential and intrigue, one is covered in cautious optimism and the other in Horsey Sauce.



Tommy Edman: All of the Arby’s sliders

It’s like the despair of a regular sized sandwich but smaller. Does it have a chance to be as good as or even better than what it’s imitating? ABSOLUTELY. Will it be? Almost certainly not. Both are the diet coke of the fast food menu/roster.



Dylan Carlson: Cherry/Apple Turnovers

Offering the promise of hope following a meal of pure disappointment, the turnovers at Arby's are still good after all of these years. After years of futility at the plate from promising outfield prospect after promising outfield prospect, Dyan Carlson will finally be the sweetness at the end of the disappointment.




John Gant: Mozzarella Stick

For real though, I fucking love the Arby’s Mozzy sticky yum yums. They’re GOOD, just like John Gant is good at baseball. Both are VERY sexy, too.


I’m sure that there are others but I’m honestly bored of this now. You’re welcome or whatever.

Who cares.

Life is short.

The beef is here.

We’ll cook it if you really want us to. Or we won’t. Either way.

Go Cardinals, I guess.

Rah.