Think Tinder and Grindr but for people who don’t know the difference between Tumblr and Pinterest. Ever look at Kolten Wong standing next to Paul DeJong and think about how you’d ship #DeWong? Same, fam.
Now you can.
Here’s how it works. Players and fans alike sign up with help from a Nigerian prince, create profiles, and proceed to complete a 12-step verification process. Once prospective Shipprs submit DNA samples that are subsequently sold to Ancestry.com, the real work begins.
Shippr uses a very sophisticated algorithm created by a Fortnite addict that scores potential matches using 29.5 different dimensions of compatibility.
Users download the Shippr app to their smartphones, sign in using their fake names, and immediately set a password that they'll inevitably forget if not for writing it on a Post-It note. The password rules dictate that the password must be 9-17 characters in length and consist of at least two uppercase letters, 3 special characters, four non-sequential, non-repeating positive whole numbers, two lowercase vowels, and the letter "q".
Shipprs can start by viewing their top matches or opt to use the search filters to narrow the field of prospects by age, height, type of fastball thrown, or preference on the designated hitter. To test the app, I created a burner account under the name "Clubby Stapp" and submitted DNA obtained from a panhandler outside of Ballpark Village in exchange for Budweiser Reserve Cooper Lager.
For what it's worth, Clubby is a 28 year-old cam model who spends a lot of time entertaining diaper fetishists. She proclaims to enjoy baseball, thrifty shopping, and remodeling turn-of-the-century craftsman style homes. She's never been married, has no children, so she's obviously not from southern Missouri.
Wait until you see her top 3 matches.
Some guy named "Harry" who isn't a former 1D member.
Nice try, Harry, but there's no way you are 69 miles away. Besides, you don't have a shirtless pic with a sleeve like this guy does...
Gotta love a good "glover", but why the hate for Good Guy Greg Garcia, Kowo?
Winner. Obligatory right swipe, "Like", and panda emoji for this guy. He love you long time, even if you don't return the favor.