Fixing the Cardinals: A Roundtable



CardsCards: So how about those Cardinals eh? Yeahhhh they’ve lost 5 of 6, and Mike Matheny is telling us the Cardinals will definitely play better in the 2nd half because of magic or witchcraft or something.


2018 is turning into another disappointing, drama filled embarrassment in St. Louis. The Cardinals have plenty of problems, but no worries, there is still time to fix everything! This is why I have gathered the greatest minds in St. Louis to tell us the cures for what ails the Cardinals. I know you’ll recognize each of these authority figures on Twitter, and I’m sure you’ll agree with them that they are every bit as smart and infallible as they know they are.


Please, give a round of applause for my panel!


Old Crotchety Man: Hello, I am old crotchety man, and I am here because I’ve been watching this sport for 112 years. I saw Dizzy Dean pitch when he was only “Mildly Disoriented” Dean. I have learned everything about the game of baseball, and I can sum it up to you as follows: Everything that happens today is wrong and if they played it like they used to when men were men the Cardinals would be unstoppable.


Millennial Blogger: I can’t believe I’m doing this with you “normies” but here goes – I am 23 years old and I am just out of college, and lucky for YOU I have learned everything there is not only about baseball, but the entire world. My ethics, and politics are pure and anything you disagree with at all shows how naïve and bigoted you are. You also know nothing about baseball, where as I know everything, because that’s just a part of being omniscient. You want proof? All of my friends agree with me.


Random Twitter Dude: The Cardinals blow man, they used to be good, but they need to fire everybody and start over RIGHT NOW so that they can be World Series contenders next year. I’ve watched 5 games this year, and even I can tell how bad they are. Cheapskate ownership needs to step up and get Mike Trout and Manny Machado, but of course they won’t because they don’t care about winning at all.


Official Paid Baseball Writer: I cannot believe I am here with you people. How did I get stuck with a bunch of wannabes? I hate talking to the casual fans, and I have no problem showing it. Also, this better not be printed on some sort of “online” blog. You need to print this out, because writing doesn’t count unless a tree is killed. Also, you are all idiots that should pay for my content right now but you probably won’t because you’re too stupid to realize how awesome I am.


Want to Be Failed Journalist: Hi, I don’t know why I’m being titled a failed journalist because I totally am a real one. I am a peer with the guy above. We’re basically equals. Which is why you should listen to me. I am going to bring you the biggest, boldest, baseball opinions. Like, with me I’m never going to hold back. I am going to come out swinging. I’m going to say what needs to be said. You can take what I say to the bank. It’s accurate, and I’m not changing my mind at all.


CardsCards: OK thanks folks! Those were really great summaries of how brilliant you all are. Now, let’s start with the hot topic, John Mozeliak and Dexter Fowler. What’s the answer here?


Old Crotchety Man: He’s batting .171. I could bat .171 with my eyes closed. Mozeliak was right to call him out. He should have been doing this since opening day, maybe then Fowler would be better. Dump his ass, feed him to the wolves, get someone who actually plays hard on this team.


Millenial Blogger: Actually, if you look at his xwSNILK it shows the Dexter Fowler has actually been the most unlucky person to walk the Earth since Hugo Chavez implemented the perfect form of Government but the Capitalist pigs all lied about him. Dexter Fowler is going to be an MVP candidate at bat any day now. Of course, he is a poor fielder, but that doesn’t have anything to do with work ethic in any way. This is literally the best he can possibly field, he just happens to be bad at it. Let me add that all criticism of him is clearly racist, except for mine, because I am morally perfect.


Random Twitter Dude: Dustin is lazy. He gives no effort. You can just tell by looking at him man, I’ve heard he spends a lot of time with his family. Hell, he just missed 3 days because his wife was giving birth. I mean, it wasn’t even him! Come on. Face time with her between innings and start winning some games. They need to send the dude to the minor leagues but of course they won’t because he’s one of “Mike’s Guys”


Official Paid Baseball Writer: I personally spoke with Cardinals management about this, and let me say that even though John Mozeliak spoke for 5 sentences about Dexter Fowler, referenced him by name several times, and specifically refused to defend criticisms that have only been levied against Fowler, he totally didn’t mean to call him out. I mean, so maybe he technically called out his name repeatedly, but the point is his anti-Fowler screed wasn’t some sort of conversation about Dexter Fowler specifically in any way. And I completely and totally believe that and my ethics are not at all compromised by having to maintain a positive relationship with Cardinals management.


Want to Be Failed Journalist: My bold, unique, straightforward opinion is that yeah, Fowler has played poorly, and probably shouldn’t be on the team anymore, but also that he’s been really unlucky and we should wait him out, and yeah maybe he doesn’t give enough effort, or maybe he does, but mostly I’d say that I agree with my close, personal friend and colleague that when Mo called him out he didn’t mean to call him out and you heard that here first, and I’m not scared to say it.


CardsCards: Insightful stuff. Thank you. Now, how about Jordan Hicks usage, how about you Millennial Blogger?


Millennial Blogger: Hicks needs to be used as little as possible. I’ve been pointing out how bad he is since the very beginning. His night after night success is all a charade and I have the stats to prove that he’s going to be doomed, someday. And yes, I also scream about the sample sizes of bullpen pitchers, but I don’t need to do that now because my entire purpose is always to inform my friends how the lemming “normies” are wrong about every single thing they ever think. Once again I’d like to state that everything you’re about to hear from the others is nothing but MAGA racist bullshit.


Official Paid Writer: I have written articles where I’ve actually talked to Mike Matheny and he’s discussed how careful they are going to be with Jordan Hicks and my written word is all that matters, so you can ignore the 3 days in a row appearances and the 2 inning stints in games that aren’t close. Mike is clearly being careful with him.


Want To Be Failed Journalist: You should read my upcoming article on something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, and definitely want to put it out there as my own original thought, which is that Mike definitely needs to be thinking about how he handles Jordan Hicks, and he ought to consider being careful with him, because that’s what is best for him. I’m sure that brave opinion and original topic are going to be bringing in the clicks.


Random Twitter Dude: Mike doesn’t know how to use his bullpen. I would do it completely differently. I would pitch him when he’s going to have a good night, and I would not pitch him when he’s going to have a bad night.


Old Crotchety Man: I’m sick of being of baseball players be a bunch of sissies. Pitch him Mike, pitch him every night. Throw him 6 innings. Back when I started watching baseball pitchers used to throw 200 pitch complete games, and then go out and kill a deer with their bare hands.


CardsCards: OK, for our last question, how about Tommy Pham?


Want To Be Failed Journalist: You know maybe Tommy Pham will be good and maybe he won’t be good and that’s just something that we don’t know yet, but I’m the only one brave enough to say it.


Millennial Blogger: What, we aren’t going to talk about any of the white players that are struggling? You racist.


Official Paid Writer: I’ve written about this extensively. Read everything that I’ve ever written before you dare to ask me another question you stupid, ungrateful swine.


Old Crotchety Man: Tommy Pham can run really fast which reminds me of Whitey Herzog which means he’s the best player on this team, I don’t care what your fancy stats like “stolen base percentage” or “batting average” say. My glaucoma filled eyes are all I need to know more than anyone else about how good every baseball player is.


Random Twitter Dude: You know I loved Tommy Pham’s attitude last year, but this year he’s kind of pissing me off, and this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my opinions on anything are only really based on how good the player is doing and nothing else.


CardsCards: Awesome. I’m glad I get to read all of your thoughts every day. Any concluding thoughts?


Old Crotchety Man: Fire that idiot Matheny.


Millennial Blogger: Fire that Christian racist Matheny.


Random Twitter Dude: Fire Matheny. He cares more about chess than baseball.


Want To Be Failed Journalist: I completely agree.


Official Paid Writer: You would know this is you rightfully dedicated your life to reading everything I write, but I would never say that.


Want To Be Failed Journalist: Neither would I.


Official Paid Writer: I hate you.


Want To Be Failed Writer: Smart take. I agree, my good and close friend.