I swore last year that I would not write another Cardinals Season Preview post, and I’m not. Frankly, I chose good timing. With the team no longer tripping over itself trying to find a roster that somehow worked with the medieval workings of the Matheny brain, suddenly the Cardinals – The Paul Goldschmidt Cardinals – really aren’t that funny anymore.
And that sucks.
Well, at least it sucks for my clicks.
And so I’ve spent much of my time weeping silently to myself waiting for the next idiotic screw-up, the one that seemed to come every 5 days over the last few years, and finding only things that made me happy. And that made me miserable.
If not for these roadblocks of idiocy, what is left for me to say?
What is my reason for living anymore? I screamed. I screamed outloud. I screamed at God. Why? Why me? Why did you have to make me a fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, a franchise that feels…what’s that word…boring? But in a good way? Why couldn’t you make me a fan of a team that’s exciting? That puts on dumpster fire shows weekly? Oh Why God, couldn’t you make me a fan of the Chicago Cubs?
Oh. Oh that’s Good. The Cubs. I can still write about them.
So folks, forget the Cardinals. I’m a Cubs writer now. And I present to you their season preview.
3/28 - @ Rangers
The Cubs win 4-3 on an RBI check swing grounder by Anthony Rizzo who is unable to speak to the press after the game from screaming “RESPECT ME!” until he was hoarse.
Excited Cubs fans swarm twitter to make “boring” jokes and declare that the season is already over.
4/7 @ Brewers
Joe Maddon Does LSD and has a vision wherein he realizes that “racecar” backwards is “racecar”
4/12 Vs Angels
Pedro Strop accidentally straightens his hat. A moment of zen comes over him as he marvels at how *right* it feels. “Why? Why didn’t anyone tell me I was wearing it wrong all these years?”
4/15 @ Marlins
It’s Jackie Robinson day. Joe Rickett’s boycotts the game.
4/22 Day Off
Yadier Molina says he is excited to play a game of baseball against Cubs, Al Yellon hears this and immediately retreats to his Cold War Era Bomb Shelter and calls the FBI.
4/27 @ Dbacks
After his Apple Cloud is hacked, videos leak that show Jon Lester also “gets the yips” whenever he’s near first base with a woman.
5/1 @ Mariners
Addison Russell returns to action. Theo Epstein praises Addison Russell for recovering so quickly from being a domestic abuse. “What usually could take a person years of prison, and certainly the loss of his job, Russell was able to overcome with virtually no penalty at all. He’s an amazing young individual and a model for how we should treat other violent criminals in the future.”
5/2 Vs. Cardinals
Addison Russell plays in front of the home crowd for the first time and gets a standing ovation that is so long Manfred demands they call the game for time after 6 innings resulting in a Cubs victory.
5/4 Vs Cardinals
Addison Russell hits a game winning groundball single just past Paul DeJong, proving once and for all that there is no God. To celebrate Russell’s achievement, Cubs fans start referring to groundball singles as “Rolled Quarters.”
5/9 Vs. Marlins
Anthony Rizzo, with his toe practically touching home plate, is brushed in the pants by a pitch. “It’s just sad,” says Joe Maddon, “We don’t condone violence at all, unless it’s one of our own players against a defenseless woman”
5/17 @ Nationals
Tom Ricketts gets the team to have another outing at the White House so that he can help plan the Trump reelection while the team gets to play tag in the yard and have a slumber party in the Lincoln Bedroom.
5/22 Vs Phillies
After another 0-4 night with a passed ball, Willson Contreras is sent to Iowa. Cubs fans talk about how amazing it is that their depth is so amazing they can have a catcher better than Yadi in AAA.
5/26 Vs Reds
It’s Cubs Camo Athletic Shirt Day, Joe Ricketts writes out an email demanding a “total and complete shutdown of handing out camo to anyone who looks like they might be from 7 predominantly Muslim countries until we can figure out what’s going on”
5/29 @ Astros
Addison Russell forgets his lines during a postgame press conference leading to an embarrassing moment when a script needs to be brought to him, and he says “oh yeah, I’m committed to being a better person. I think that’s the right line.”
5/31 @ Cardinals
In a pinch hit at bat, Daniel Descalso gets a massive standing ovation from Cardinals fans, prompting Cubs fans to gag at just how terrible Cardinals fans are.
6/4 Vs Rockies
Kris Bryant goes on the DL with another pinkie injury that somehow wasn’t healed by getting Maddon to kiss it and make it better.
6/10 @ Rockies
Anthony Rizzo receives permission to put a couch on the pitcher’s mound so that Jon Lester can lay down during one of their therapy session.
6/13 @ Dodgers
Joe Rickets writes an email out to everyone at the Cubs telling them he is “just like the kids who are dying every day in Syria” when he discovers his favorite Starbucks coffee costs 30 cents more.
6/18 Vs White Sox
Yu Darvish is hit by a two foot metal tile that fell from the stadium's hand-operated scoreboard While unconscious and clinging to life, Cubs fans and media scream about how “soft” he is, and demand he pitch anyway, noting that “in a coma you can’t even feel any pain”
6/23 Vs Mets
Joe Maddon reveals his latest T-Shirt “I Miss Attention. Please Fawn Over Me Again”
6/27 Vs Braves
It’s revealed that Addison Russel now pays his child support in Bitcoin
7/1 @ Pirates
The Cubs, eying talent at the trade deadline, announce that they are looking for deals involving players like “Aroldis Chapman, Jose Reyes, Hector Olivera, Roberto Osuna, or really anyone else that would fit in the great culture of this team.”
7/6 @ White Sox
Theo Epstein announces, just because he’s a nice guy, that he’s amending Jason Heyward’s contract to allow him to opt out “Anytime. Whenever he wants. Right now, preferably.”
7/10 All Star Break
Joe Ricketts rents out Wrigley field to the KKK for a rally, giving them the “Family discount”
7/19 Vs Padres
Scientists make a major discovery when they witness thousands of rats abandoning Wrigley Field. Further testing reveals that while Rats are usually very tolerant of foul smells, once a urine smell becomes overwhelming, they immediately run away.
7/24 @ Giants
Kyle Schwarber has to miss 2 games after eating 15 hot dogs in one sitting and getting tremendously sick. “Wow!” marvel the media, “He really IS just like Babe Ruth!”
7/30 @ Cardinals
Kris Bryant, stuck in St. Louis and unable to sleep, turns off the white noise, and turns on a sound machine that plays the sweet sounds of gangs roaming the streets and firing guns. A tear fills his eye as he thinks about how much he misses home. The loser then cries a river.
8/4 Vs Brewers
As the Cubs mire below .500, Joe Maddon dazzles the media with his own version of the “dab.” And reminds us that “dab” backwards is “bad.”
8/10 @ Reds
David Bote stars in a buddy comedy with David Ross called “Why Does Anyone Like These Losers?” It’s the top rated show in Chicago. Bote wins an Emmy and receives MVP votes.
8/15 @ Phillies
Kris Bryant stays behind in Philadelphia announcing he just can’t be without Bryce Harper anymore.
8/21 Vs. Giants
Anthony Rizzo tells reporters how envious he is of football players only having to play 16 games a year, and Rob Manfred immediately recruits him to work for the commissioner’s office.
8/27 @ Mets
Addison Russell reaches a clause in his contract where he gets $1.5 million for “not spitting on any orphans”
9/5 @ Brewers
Cubs fans cry out in disgust when Paul Goldshmidt hits his 45th home run, and people start talking about him being the MVP. “But Baez has 17 stolen bases!” They cry, “And he’s hitting .287! It’s like no one cares about REAL baseball stats anymore!”
9/10 @ Padres
Joe Maddon produces his latest T-shirt “Please don’t fire me”
9/15 Vs Pirates
More Joe Ricketts emails are revealed to a shocked public wherein he admits he’s never seen Star Wars.
9/18 Vs Reds
Jussie Smollett claims he is beaten up by 2 Cardinals fans. The media totally buys it. Endless articles are written about how terrible people from St. Louis are.
9/22 Vs Cardinals
Willson Contreras Breaks into the Cardinals locker room to prove that once and for all, he can hold Yadi’s jockstrap. But Yadi’s reaction time is too great. He immediately grabs his jock for protection and sprints past Willson, who cries up to the heavens, “No!!! Another passed ball!”
9/29 @ Cardinals
After losing on a Yadier Molina walk off Grand Slam, The Cubs finish the year at 66-96. 1 million twitter accounts created after October 2016 are immediately deleted.