The St. Louis Cardinals have a new plan to make games go faster: They would like to use the bullpen cart to drive Marcell Ozuna to and from his position in Left Field.
“We’ve noticed the time of our games has gone up dramatically,” said Cardinals GM Michael Girsch, “and after a lot of study we’ve pinpointed it to the amount of time it takes Ozuna to do anything.”
The Cardinals, wanting to be sure about what they were seeing, started trying to test the “exit velocity” of when Ozuna tried to move, but the results were too slow to measure, making them have to resort to carbon dating.
It didn’t take long for the answer became obvious, they needed a way to cart Ozuna around the field.
It’s not as simple as popping him in the chair and driving him out there, however. His incredible girth has made it impossible for him to sit inside the vehicle. Instead, the Cardinals plan on reinforcing the roof with steel beams, and tying him to the rack in much the same way a hunter might do with a grizzly bear.
The problem however, won’t fix Ozuna’s ability to field balls.
“We requested that MLB allow Ozuna to simply drive the cart around while he was fielding, but it was rejected when Manfred couldn’t see how it made the game any more like football. So we will keep trying to come up with new ideas.”
When it was suggested that maybe Ozuna could actually apply himself and not gain a bunch of weight, or that maybe the Cardinals would simply not play him until he was in better condition than a pregnant hippo, Girsch said the team would continue to explore more realistic options. “Maybe a jet pack! Maybe we just get rid of left field altogether! Maybe we can make the OTHER team fat!”
We will continue to keep you posted on this slow moving story.
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