As many of you may know, I am not a St. Louis resident. In fact, I live in Florida, where you might call Giancarlo Stanton my neighbor. Well, that’s not really true. It’s not like I’m his next door neighbor or anything. In reality, I simply own one of the condos on the 49th floor of the “Aria on the Bay” in Miami, a high rise condo that Giancarlo Stanton calls home a few floors above me.
We aren’t close, of course. Sure I’ve nodded to him in the elevator. In a pinch I’ve let him use my helipad. We’ve done a friendly exchange of rare biblical artifacts for Christmas. Naturally, we’ve engaged in a few Moneyball fights (Not the book, that’s when you wad up rolls of hundred dollar bills and throw them at each other). But to tell the truth, we aren’t close. 1st of all, it’s not my primary residence – just a place I keep for tax purposes. 2nd Giancarlo is new money, and my Prohibition bootlegging great grandparents put me into a place in society where I’m above talking to some meathead athlete.
But, like all of you, I do have some interest in if Stanton gets traded. After all, the moment he moves I have to be ready to pounce on his condo. A little birdy has told me that getting the condo is Jeter’s main motivation for trading Stanton. In fact, I heard Jeter has already bought into the building and fired the doorman, though he may not know it as he’s in the hospital recovering from 3 gunshot wounds sustained while protecting the building.
Anyway, the point is, after letting John Jaso come over for a visit, Stanton had to fumigate his condo. As a result I was able to peak in the door and was just barely able to see his 110 inch computer monitor, where he had composed a letter to his agent about his likes and dislikes about each Major League city, and what it would take to get him to accept a trade. Knowing time was limited, and that the toxic gas could hurt me, I sent in my man servant to write down everything he saw about St. Louis. I have reproduced it here for you:
St. Louis –
I admit, after playing in Miami for so long, it would give me great excitement to play for a team with such a winning culture. If there is anything that can get me to leave one of the most beautiful cities in the entire world, to go live somewhere so amazing that it’s lost over half its population in the last 70 years – it would be the chance to leave a 77 win team to feel what it’s like to play for an 83 win team. It sounds amazing. To know that you can be playing meaningful, and ultimately disappointing games in late September is every baseball player’s dream, and just might be worth foregoing being young, rich, and famous in a city known for unbelievably gorgeous bikini clad women.
But I do have 20 conditions that must be met before accepting any trade.
1. The St. Louis Cardinals need to pay a relocation fee.
2. I’d like the locker closest to the bathroom, irritable bowel can be a killer.
3. My contract becomes void the first time I bat with a runner on 2nd and no outs, and Matheny gives me the bunt sign.
4. I would like a personally embroidered bullet proof vest for when I need to go out at night.
5. I do not care what high school anyone went to. No one should ever ask this question in my presence.
6. The Cardinals will provide, to no charge of me, a list of hit men they are willing to pay to assassinate Derek Jeter.
7. I’d like to turn my no-trade clause into a “Please God Trade Me Anywhere” clause.
8. I need a 12,000 square foot house built, and instead of windows, I want pictures of some sort of other, less disgusting city, so I can pretend to be anywhere else.
9. Every single piece of toasted ravioli in the entire city must be replaced with a sexy college coed with such low standards they think Willie McGee is attractive.
10. I need my home run fish thingy statue. Turn the arch into my fish thingy statue. It’s a freaking work of art. (picture enclosed)
11. The Dirt Cheap bird must replace Fredbird.
12. Oh Lord just see what happens if John Mabry ever wants to give me any advice about how to hit…
13. I’m opting out. I’m telling you right fucking now I’m opting out. I’ll play in Korea if I have to. North Korea.
14. Instead of Cardinal red, we need Cardinal glaring orange. I’m not changing my arm bands.
15. Anytime I return home from being outside in St. Louis, I need a team to scrub me down like I’ve been exposed to nuclear radiation.
16. Tommy Pham must tell me every day that I am better than him.
17. I’d like to have Mozeliak’s personal assistant work for me now. You know, the one that brought us coffee and scones, I think his name was Girsch?
18. I need a hovercraft in case protesters block my drive home.
19. My walk up music must be the Imo’s Pizza commercial where David Freese sings.
20. The Cardinals must relocate to Miami.