In this edition of The Cardinal Sin
Lunhow X-Mas Display Looks Suspiciously Familiar – Says Chris Correa
Cubs Hire Ray Lewis And OJ Simpson To Mentor Youth
Cardinals Selling Powder Blue Paper Bags For Embarrassed Fans
Mozeliak Diagnosed With Bulimia Stemming From “Extremely Low Puke Point
Editors note: it's a joke.
Lunhow X-Mas Display Looks Suspiciously Familiar – Says Chris Correa
“Just look, Reindeer, blinking lights, Santa – even a snowman. These were all my plans.”
Chris Correa frowns, it’s an expression well-worn into his face by now. The ex-Cardinals employee turned incarcerated felon just can’t seem to forget the feeling that started it all – the feeling that it was actually Lunhow that was cheating the system.
“I thought Christmas was going to be an escape for me – I mean – I don’t mean escape mind you. I never meant to say that I was going to escape. There is no escape planned, I promise.
Correa planned to find a little joy in his life, so he started mapping out a new beginning, a Christmas display to bring others joy and happiness in the world.
“It had it all,” he sighs, “It was going to be a delight. Dancing lights, inflatable characters, wreaths galore. I couldn’t get any milk for Santa, but I was going to make him a delicious toilet wine.”
Then he started hearing rumors of a house in Houston that had them all beat. Scared of what he knew the truth was, he hacked into Lunhow’s personal email, SpinRateSpecialist@gmail.com, and saw pictures of the house he had emailed to loved ones.
“There are candles in the windows,” said Correa, “That was my idea. There’s no way he could have come up with it on his own.”
Correa knows that Lunhow continues to hack him, continues to steal his ideas, but he just can’t prove it and he’s tired of trying. All he wanted to do was forget about baseball, and focus on snowballs. Now even that dream is dead.
“I’m heartbroken,” he said, “I may be at a half-way house – but I was going to go all the way for Christmas.”
Cubs Hire Ray Lewis And OJ Simpson To Mentor Youth
Ever since the publication of Moneyball, all the rage in baseball has been to find the latest market inefficiency. The Cubs believe they have found it: Violent criminals.
“Violent criminals are great. It really keeps their cost down because so many other teams are hesitant to deal with them,” said Theo Epstein, “We think we’ve found a way to keep the talent flowing without having to forfeit the future.”
“We already know our fans accepted Chapman, and they’ve accepted Russell. We already know we can get away with this. The question is, how can we make sure this keeps happening? That’s why we are very excited to have the Juice and Ray Lewis joining us as advisors.”
Both Lewis and Simpson had controversies in their past involving dead bodies that seemed to be alive before their actions, but neither had any real punishment for their actions.
“Innocent until proven guilty, am I right?” said Joe Maddon, “I mean, I know I’m not perfect either.”
Simpson and Lewis both issued a joint statement where, without saying exactly what for, indicated they were sorry for all of the times they have “oopsed” in the past.
“That’s all we needed to know these were good people,” Theo told us, “I mean sure, we all make mistakes, but they said they were sorry, so now we’re going to pay them a whole bunch of money to mentor our youth.
When asked if their jobs would be to speak from experience and try to keep the Cubs young players from getting themselves into trouble, Theo answered, “More like telling them how to get away with it.”
Cardinals Selling Powder Blue Paper Bags For Embarrassed Fans
One of the most storied franchises in sports, the St. Louis Cardinals, have found another way to tap into their past to open up a new revenue stream: Powder Blue Paper Bags for fans to wear over their heads so show their embarrassment for the current team.
Following the team’s foray into fooling fans by offering a never before worn metallic blue version of their cream Saturday jerseys, Bill DeWitt sent a team of researchers to find other fashion faux pas that Cardinals fans would be excited to dole out their last penny for.
And while the team had never actually sold paper bags in the past, the Team feels this is a way to connect past embarrassment with present embarrassment.
“The powder blue harkens back to a special era in Cardinals baseball,” said John Mozeliak, “one that can remind fans of the overwhelming losses while wearing blue uniforms, along with Templeton’s middle finger, Hernandez’s cocaine abuse, The Sandberg game, Steve Carlton winning his 300th against his former team, and on and one, and letting that tie into this era of Cardinals baseball where they can watch some of the worst base-running and defense you’ve ever seen all with Brett Cecil still throwing pitches and Dexter Fowler clogging up Right Field instead of Bryce Harper.”
“It’s really special,” Mozeliak went one, “to feel the history and sentimentality in the pain. That’s what we’re here for. Just like the franchise had dark times in the past, the fans can relive that all while watching us say we want to build a playoff team, but obviously not doing it for the 4th year in a row.”
When asked if the increased revenues from the blue paper bags would be put into pursuing player payroll, Mozeliak cautioned that it was more complex than that.
“You would like to say yes, to say hey, we have this revenue stream, so let’s use it. But let’s remember, if the team signs star players and the fans have a real reason to have hope, then they aren’t going to be buying paper bags to put over their heads. Before we know it, we’re winning – yes – but we’re not making extra money off of the merchandise. And that’s what really counts.”
Mozeliak Diagnosed With Bulimia Stemming From “Extremely Low Puke Point”
St. Louis Cardinals President of Protecting the Revenue Stream John Mozeliak has been diagnosed with bulimia, a result of his body naturally not being able to keep anything down when faced with paying for any player that a team might actually want, Doctors have told the Cardinal Sin.
“He just can’t handle it,” said one Cardinals Front Office employee, “The mere site of Bryce Harper causes him to dry heave uncontrollably. Josh Donaldson sent him into convulsions. The only way to calm him down is to show him pictures of Brett Cecil and Mike Leake.”
Reports are that John Mozeliak can’t even eat a cheeseburger for lunch without throwing it up unless someone else has paid for it. Even then, he would have a nervous breakdown when the cashier asked him to donate a dollar to charity – until it was revealed that the proceeds went to the DeWitt family personal space craft.
Cardinals analysts have learned to adjust to the team’s especially small puke point. For example, under “Manny Machado” they have revised their willingness from “$325 million over 10 years,” to “a fidget spinner, a VHS copy of Indiana Jones IV, and a picture with Mike Schildt”
For Josh Donaldson, the Cardinals came up with a 1 year offer where Donaldson paid them $5,000 dollars and promised to rent an apartment in Ballpark Village 2. “He’s rich,” said Mozeliak, “Don’t tell me he can’t afford it.”
Doctors have stressed that Mo needs to stay away from any players that might actually improve the Cardinals but ALSO cost money. They suggest a diet full of vegetables and fruits.
“Honestly,” said one doctor, “Even the vegetables might be too rich for his condition. He needs to go back to nothing but low hanging fruit.”