Well it’s that time of year again. Baseball is back, and everyone is speculating just how the season will turn out. It’s only natural that you’ve seen every prediction under the sun, from those that believe the Cardinals are destined to return to their rightful place atop the standings, to those that see total and imminent disaster on the horizon. You, personally probably fall somewhere in the middle. That’s ok. We all have our theories and guesses about how the season will go, and no one really knows what will happen.
Except me. You could too, but you are an idiot. This is now the 3rd year in a row I’ve done this, and I’m happy to report that it’s been done with remarkable accuracy. Sometimes, I’ll warn you, that talking about this stuff can seem offensive to people. Hey, offensive stuff is a part of life. If I’m going to tell you the truth about what is to come, then you’re going to have to accept that not all of it is pretty.
Which is why if you’re the sort that might need a fainting couch, stop here. You don’t want your precious eyes to come across words that might give you all sorts of sad feels. So quit. Close this thing while you still can. Penis penis penis. Told you so.
Here is the 2017 version
The 2016 version is only available on the Wayback Machine, as STL Sports Minute longer exists.
The Intrepid no longer exists either.
By this time next year Redbird Daily will be history, and Birds on the Black will have turned into a British interracial porn site.
Let me know if you’d like me to write for you next.
Let’s carry on.
Here is every single thing that will happen to the Cardinals this year, I guarantee it:
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February 13th:
Pitchers and Catchers report. Normally this would be a great and happy day on Social Media, however the 2016 election has ruined us forever and made it so that no day will ever be happy again. But at least, in this case, baseball is back, and the Internet is a slightly better circle of Hell.
February 15th:
Adam Wainwright calls reporters together to announce he will not talk about anything but today, every day, for the rest of eternity.
February 16th:
Mike Matheny calls Carlos Martinez “an emotional kid” and questions the work habits of his best starter a day after telling reporters to expect “greatness” from Adam Wainwright. This would have read like a sarcastic joke had you been reading this on February 13th.
February 17th:
A reporter asks Adam when his 1st Grapefruit start will be. Adam responds “THAT’S NOT TODAY!” And fires a 72mph fastball into his torso. The reporter is fine.
February 18th:
Reporting day for position players. The team has a 9:00 AM call time. Dexter Fowler arrives at 8:56 to a room full of scolding eyes. “Oh look over here” says one unnamed player, “Dexter has arrived AT THE AGREED UPON TIME.”
February 19th:
Full squad workouts. No Cardinals announce major injuries. Fans get the feeling this might really be their year.
February 20th:
Alex Reyes announces he has elbow
discomfort. Hundreds of millennial Cardinals fans commit suicide by eating Tide Pods. It turns out that Alex bumped his funny bone.
February 23rd:
1st Spring Training Game. The sun is shining. Baseball is being played. Everyone feels good for once. By the 2nd inning, though nothing of note has happened in the game, Twitter is aflame in arguments, personal attacks, and blocking. Baseball really is back.
February 24th:
The Cardinals prepare to take on the Mets. Carson Kelly looks at the lineup and starts putting on the pads for his 1st Spring Start. Yadier looks at the lineup, slowly turns to Mike Matheny and gives him “The Look.” Mike Matheny has Carson Kelly removed from the stadium by security.
March 9th:
The Cardinals announce that Mike Matheny would like to go with a 14 man pitching staff this year, and thus they have demoted Tommy Pham to Memphis after his slow 1-6 start in spring training.
March 12th:
The Cardinals spend their day off with a team builder at an escape room.
Many teammates are mad when Dexter Fowler is a bad teammate for being the 1st one out.
Matt Carpenter’s team almost won, but at the last second he drops the final key for escape.
Mike Matheny’s team never escapes even though their strategy is to “grind their way out”
Carlos Martinez beats up and robs a man outside of the escape room. It turns out to be John Brebbia, who he did not recognize clean shaven. Brebbia vows to sue him, in a few years, after Martinez signs his next big contract.
March 21st:
Manfred announces that, to make games shorter, MLB will be employing snipers trained on a pitcher if they don’t throw a pitch every 15 seconds. In a showing of humanity, they get 1 warning shot.
March 28th:
Adam Wainwright is sad to find out he lost out on his Spring Training leader in innings pitched goal to Matt Bowman, who has nightly treatments where his right arm is cryogenically frozen.
March 29th:
Opening Day in New York. The Cardinals are down 2-1 in the top of the 9th with the bases loaded and 1 out. Paul DeJong hits a long fly ball out to Right Field. It’s at the track. It’s at the wall. It’s….CAUGHT! AN AMAZING CATCH BY JAY BRUCE! WOW! But unfortunately Bruce hit the wall so hard he lost consciousness and is currently laying on the warning track. The Cardinals will easily tag up to tie the game. But look at who is at 3rd! It’s Matt Carpenter! Matt slowly positions his legs to run, and charges ever forward as though there are hurricane force winds blowing against him. Jose Reyes looks on determined and says “No way am I going to let them beat me. I AM the only one that can beat anyone with little to no consequence!” and sprints out to RF to retrieve the ball, before turning around and heading home.
Matt Carpenter continues his charge, sweat beading down his face, as he grinds forward telling himself “this is what you worked on all off season. You’re going to be a better runner. Time to show it!” Reyes, nearly out of breath, sticks the baseball in his throwing hand and dives towards home plate to tag the incoming Carpenter. But alas! He’s nowhere to be found! He must have done an amazing slide! He must have scored!
Reyes looks around upset, and then, bewildered looks up the 3B line to discover Carpenter, barely 10 feet away from 3rd, still running at home. Reyes, tired from his long run, sits at home plate and patiently waits for Carpenter. 12 minutes later he tags Carpenter at home. The Cardinals lose.
Cardinals’ fans aren’t even angry. They all agree, he really has improved his base-running since last year.
March 31st:
New Closer Luke Gregorson blows a save against the Mets after giving up a bloop single with 2 on. Matheny says they are going to stick with him.
April 1st:
Gregorson blows another save against the Mets, this time he gives up a grand slam after 2 HBP and a walk. “We’ve got to get him right,” says Matheny.
April 2nd:
Gregorson gives up a game losing 3 run double to the pitcher, and gets mugged on the mound, the thieves making off with his pants. “We need to see what he has,” says Mike
April 3rd:
With the Cardinals in a save situation, Gregorson shoots himself in the right arm to avoid going into the game. Matheny calls on him anyway, and Gregorson shuts down the side after the blood soaked ball proves unhittable. “That’s the Greggy we knew we were getting” says Matheny.
April 7th:
Dexter Fowler sits in the locker room when an unknown masked assailant runs in and beats him on the knees with a metal pole. “WHY ME?” shouts Dexter, “WHY ME???” Dexter, with two broken legs is now out for the season. “That’s terrible,” says Matt Carpenter who started the season in a terrible slump, “I hope they catch the bastard. In the meantime I guess I’ll just have to bat leadoff for him.”
April 11th:
After a pathetic loss at home to the Brewers, the Cardinals have started 3-9. An Angry John Mozeliak informs the press that “everyone’s job is on the line. This is unacceptable. Anyone might get fired at any moment. I mean it. If this gets any worse, show me the door. I’ve been warned.
April 12th:
Following a loss to the Reds, it’s announced that Mike Matheny has signed a 19 year contract extension and that John Mozeliak has been promoted to a position called “Like Jesus But Better.”
April 18th:
While facing the Cubs, Adam Wainwright gives up 6 runs in 5 innings. His fastball starts off in the high 60s, but by the end of the 7th it sits at 54. Matheny explains he left him out there in an effort to get him the win. Adam says it was a great decision, he’s never felt better, and he’s looking forward to proving all of his doubters wrong.
April 20th:
Miles Mikolos, anxious to erase his reptilian past, eats a pop tart and demands to be called “The Pop-Tart King.” It doesn’t stick.
May 8th:
Carlos Martinez, accused of beating up a man outside of a strip club, settles out of court, telling the media “I’m a changed man. That’s not who I am anymore. Now for me, it’s churches, libraries, and museums if I’m going to beat someone up”
May 18th:
After Bit Coin drops to $3, a story reveals that Mike Matheny bought it at $14,000, and has now declared bankruptcy under chapter #22 for people that “Oops, they did it again. HAHAHA Let’s Bail Them Out”
May 22nd:
The press asks when Carson Kelly will get his 1st start of the season. “Shhhh!” says Matheny pointing to Yadi’s locker, “He’ll HEAR YOU.”
June 4th:
Bill DeWitt becomes the latest celebrity caught up in scandal, when scores of banktellers come forward to report that he regularly calls in and demands that they repeat his account balance into the phone while he breaths heavily.
June 8th:
Rob Manfred announces that, to speed up the game, all players will now run the bases on unicycles. After the union objects, he does give them the other option of “Never playing baseball again.”
June 11th:
Tommy Pham hits 3 home runs against the Padres. In his 4th at bat he hits a ball off of the wall. Displeased he stands at home plate and pulls out a hunting knife engraved "with love from Mike Matheny" immediately he stabs himself in the leg and shouts "YOU DESERVE THIS YOU FAILURE!"
June 15th:
With the Cardinals up 2 in the 7th against the Cubs, Mike Matheny calls out to the bullpen “Warm up Bowman.” “But sir,” comes the response, “Bowman’s been warming up already for 4 innings.” “THEN WARM HIM UP MORE! MAKE HIM THROW WITH BOTH ARMS!” Bowman is later brought in in the top of the 15th. It does not go well.
June 23rd:
After giving up a 2 run double on a hanging slider to lose the game against the Brewers, Bud Norris was asked what caused the terrible pitch. “Minorities.”
July 1st:
John Mozeliak announces that the Cardinals are ALL IN on this trade deadline. They have all sorts of prospects and money. They are going to be WHEELING AND DEALING LIKE NEVER BEFORE. Every superstar on the planet will be in a Cardinals uniform by the end of the weekend! The media questions nothing.
July 4th:
On America’s birthday, Jack Flaherty, making a spot start, thrown a perfect game into the 8th inning against the Arizona Diamondbacks. With patriotism and the best pitching performance of the year inspiring him, Joe Schwarz (@stlcupofjoe) immediately sits down and starts writing an article – about Carlos Martinez.
July 8th:
Jedd Gyorko, easily the 1st half MVP crushes 2 home runs against the Giants to lead the Cardinals to their 5th straight victory launching the Cardinals back into contention. Fans go crazy clamoring that NOW is the time to strike and land Josh Donaldson so he can play 3B because Jedd is more of a role player.
July 13th:
In an important game against the Reds, the Cardinals have Matt Carpenter on 2nd and nobody out for Marcell Ozuna. Just before the pitch can be thrown, an adorable little bunny hops onto the field. The grounds crew quickly scoops up the bunny much to the delight of the crowd. Mike Matheny looks out at Ozuna who nods understandingly. He know what he must do. On the next pitch, Ozuna lays down a bunt to advance Carpenter over to 3rd. The sacrifice worked perfectly. The crowd roars in appreciation. And even though the Cardinals fail to score in the inning, Rally Bunny is born.
July 14th:
The Cardinals announce they have lost Rally Bunny “somewhere near the wood chipper” But are totally committed to finding the bunny and giving it a good, safe home.
July 18th:
All Cardinals concessions start selling “Rally Bunny Nuggets – Made with real rabbit.” They sell like crazy.
July 22nd:
Marcell Ozuna demands a trade back to the Marlins saying “If I’m going to play for a crappy team, at least they have an ocean.”
July 25th:
Michael Wacha goes for an MRI after he reinjures his shoulder. The MRI reveals that his shoulder is held together by a tic tac, 3 bobby pins, and a ticket stub to “Transformers: The Last Knight.”
July 30th:
Mozeliak answers questions about the lack of trade activity by scoffing at the question. “We’ve been extremely busy. We’ve been working every day, and we believe we’ve made this team a whole lot better with absolutely zero transactions at all. And besides, we will be working super hard tomorrow to move the needle.”
July 31st:
The Cardinals announce every July 31st will now be a team holiday where absolutely no work will be done by the front office.
August 1st:
Fed up Cardinals fans overwhelmingly react to the lack of team investment. The Front Office declares they are but a “small faction” and that Cardinals fans are always happy with their leadership.
August 2nd:
The front office, in a showing of how happy cardinals fans are, showcase their new squad of young, pretty girls wearing red that cheer on the front office. The media just LOVES them.
August 7th:
Miles Mikolas is late for a start because he had to travel from his home in Japan. “Well, you didn’t really expect me to move my family to St. Louis, did you?”
August 12th:
The St. Louis Feral Bunny Outreach declares they will not be giving the Rally Bunny to the Cardinals after Bill DeWitt told them the bunny would never run away again due to “Me personally hacking off all of its feet for good luck.”
August 17th:
Carson Kelly sells his catcher’s equipment on E-bay. “Like new! Never been used!”
August 19th:
Wikileaks reveals that Mike Matheny is a Russian Agent, sent to infiltrate the Cardinals and destroy trust in the fans. Bill DeWitt III responds by saying that he has complete faith in Mike Matheny, and also announces the Cardinals newest bench coach, Vladimir Putin.
August 25th:
John Gant goes on the DL for…never mind. This was going to be a Fabio bird hit him in the face joke, but no one cares about John Gant now that he’s cut his hair.
August 28th:
Adam Wainwright’s fastball now sits at 31 MPH. When asked if he’ll be making his next start, Matheny responds. “Of course. He’s our ace. Expect greatness.”
September 3rd:
The Cardinals are beating the Nationals 14-2 in the 9th inning when Mike Matheny calls on Mike Mayers. “Uh, really coach?” says Mike. “You’ve seen me pitch before, right?” Mike tells him “Son, I have total and complete faith in you. My gut never steers me wrong.” Mayers blows the game before he is done with his warm up pitches.
September 5th:
Yadier Molina creates a major scandal when his Pintrest reveals a page called “Managers I like” which includes 29 pictures, but somehow, not Mike Matheny’s.
September 8th:
Rally Bunny is revealed to be a racist.
September 12th:
Luke Weaver is proud to announce the birth of a new hair on his chin. This makes 8.
September 17th:
Mike Girsch is stopped by security before he can get into the Cardinals offices. “But don’t you know who I am? I’m the GM!” “Sure you are bud. Suuuuuuure you are.”
September 21st:
A major media stir is caused when Yadier Molina kneels for the National Anthem. It’s later explained that it wasn’t a political statement at all, he can just no longer straighten his legs.
September 26th:
Tommy Pham releases his new book, “The Phammy Phamifesto” which is 600 pages of talking about what losers his teammates and coaches are. I own 45 copies.
September 30th:
On the last day of the season against the Cubs B squad, the Cardinals lose 17-4. The Cubs, led by trade deadline acquisitions Josh Donaldson and Chris Archer go on to lead the Cubs to another World Series. The Cardinals, finishing 79-83, announce that they’ve had another successful season by selling more than 3 million tickets.
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Many fans are disgruntled, and considering giving up their season tickets, when John Mozeliak takes to a radio station to make a major announcement:
“We know last year wasn’t much fun. Frankly we were shocked that it didn’t work out. We really truly thought that we had what it took to beat the Cubs. But now, this year, we’ve learned our lesson. And we have a whole lot of resources, and we have a whole lot of money, and we’re going to really be aggressive this offseason and we’re going to build you a winner.”
“You – you really mean it?” asked a crowd member.
“Absolutely. We’re going to do everything we can. Except you have to remember that this is St. Louis. And we are in a super small market. And we really can’t compete with those big teams and their big wallets. We barely make a profit at all. That’s why we need you guys to keep buying season tickets, so that we can get all of the superstars you crave watching.”
“Well…that does make sense!” says another fan.
“And look, we aren’t joking around. We want the biggest names. So to get the biggest names, naturally we’re going to have to raise the price of your tickets.”
“It’s worth it!” they scream as they take out their credit cards.
“Sure it is!” says Mo with a smile on his face, “I will tell you that we’re not going to spend money just to do it of course. But we’re going to get you stars. I’m totally not saying that sentence so that I can use it as a cop out later!”
“Well of course not!” says the crowd as they hand over their money. “We believe you completely!”
Bill DeWitt, looking on to the scene gives a satisfied nod. He sits down in his chair and picks up the phone.
“I’d like to hear my account balance please…..good….now tell me it again slowly.”